Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
