Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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