i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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