just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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