please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
