i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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