i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize