I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
only you would photoshop your dick
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
