dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
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