the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
