I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
