There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
