You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize