What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
