I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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