he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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