I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
