god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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