god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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