you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
