nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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