Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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