wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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