He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
