I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
