DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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