I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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