i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
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