This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We're too hungover to prance.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
