I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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