Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
