I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
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