ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
