My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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