my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm getting married
To pizza
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
