I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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