Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
The best revenge is premature balding
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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