just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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