i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
