he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
