so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
