it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Randomize
