just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need a beard to bite.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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