He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
