If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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