fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize