just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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