An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
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