mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Did I show you my penis last night?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
