im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
They have beer where we have blood.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
