When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
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