she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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