I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
