I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize