If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
