The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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