make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
