you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
