She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize