kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Randomize
