I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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